On Call (when your heart won't answer)
by TheSilverSleeper
Summary: Merlin is slipping away, and Arthur's not sure what to do but be there. Warnings: Depression, Suicide Attempt
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Second chapter may happen, tentatively complete.**

**Disclaimer: IDOM**

* * *

Arthur thinks nothing of it when Merlin calls him at eight that night. They haven't spoken much in a while, both of them busy with work and their respective lives. If this just happens to be when Merlin was free, it works out fine for him. Arthur had just been about to sit down to a late dinner –okay, fine, it was just leftover takeaway; he really had been busy!– and is perfectly fine with shovelling Pad Thai while alternately telling Merlin about his week between bites.

And if Merlin doesn't let him hang up for an hour, well, Arthur doesn't exactly mind.

* * *

The first time Arthur met Merlin was when he came in to discuss his new book –well, technically the first time was when Merlin spilled coffee on him outside the underground that morning, but Arthur always did his best to forget that. After slogging through that month's dozens of Rowling wanna-be's, Arthur had read Merlin's manuscript and didn't want to immediately drown himself. That was enough to call the man in for a meeting.

The meeting had started with a "You!" and an "Oh God, I'm never going to get published now, am I?", dissolved into "Bloody hell, you're a right prat, aren't you?" and "No wonder this is the fourth place you've tried if you talk to your superiors like that!" and somehow ended with "Join me at the pub later for a pint?" and "Only if you don't spill that on me, too."

With little effort at all, Merlin had quickly become one of Arthur's closest friends. It wasn't that Arthur was a lonely man before, far from it, but Gwaine never shut up, and Leon never spoke up, and despite his claim that he never listened to Arthur, Merlin knew how to do the give without expecting too much from the take.

* * *

Merlin calls him again the next week, which suits Arthur fine because he's just had a hilarious transcript come in about a duck that falls in love with a penguin –it's cleverly titled _Birds of a Feather_– and he has to share it with someone. Out of everyone Arthur's sure Merlin will laugh the hardest. And he does, giggling over the speaker at all the right parts, once getting so carried away Arthur has to stop the story for five minutes while he gets himself under control.

The week after that, though, Merlin calls him three days in a row. Arthur decides it's high time they push their schedules aside and have a good old fashioned pub night.

Gwaine gets there first of course, downing a pint and a half before the others even get their first round. Then he goes to try his luck with a blonde at the bar, abandoning the rest.

"Hello, testing one two? Oh good, I was worried I was going to lose my voice from disuse."

Merlin giggles at Arthur's quip. "Don't tell him I knew, but that's my old mate. She's already just a bit engaged."

"Just a bit? How can someone be a bit engaged?"

He blushes and dips his gaze. "She told her boyfriend she wouldn't marry him unless he told his mother to back off her quitting her job and staying home. That was a while ago, but Will's a stubborn momma's boy, so he'll never do it. Hence the qualifier."

Arthur notes Elena's not wearing a ring. He wonders if this is a new development or if the "just a bit" had stopped her from wearing it in the first place. "Well Gwaine would never ask that of her, so maybe he's the better bet? "

"That'd be a bad choice on her part. Gwaine's naff in the kitchen."

Merlin takes a swig of his drink, and his words about food make Arthur sweep a glance over his body. He's scrawnier than normal, but then, Merlin's never seemed to gain weight. For a moment Arthur gets the urge to tell him he's not half bad in the kitchen, and he'd be perfectly will to take him home and feed him up, but he quickly tamps on it.

* * *

They'd known each other for eight months when Arthur first saw Merlin out on a date. It wasn't on purpose or anything, it wasn't like Arthur made a habit of stalking Merlin whenever he heard his friend was seeing someone. In fact, he hadn't even known this date was happening.

Actually, come to think of it, Merlin never really talked about dating at all.

Arthur tried very hard to not consider what he thought about that.

Honestly, it shouldn't have happened at all. It _wouldn't_ have happened if Merlin wasn't such a child. The film Arthur had taken his sister to had been a kids' animation, something about talking toys or animals or some such thing. Morgana always insisted on personally previewing every film before allowing her son Mordred to watch them. Arthur just thought it was an excuse to watch them twice. But since she was in town that weekend for her yearly visit, Arthur had been stuck accompanying her.

The lights had just gone up -and Arthur was being shaken awake -when he spotted them. Merlin and a young man Arthur had never seen before pulling apart from what could only be a classic cinema make-out session.

Arthur felt himself staring as they stood hand in hand to leave, but he couldn't make himself stop. At least not before Merlin looked up and locked eyes with him.

His friend turned six shades of red –from the heat in his neck Arthur was sure he looked the same– and began to drag his companion towards the exit. No longer by the hand, Arthur noticed, but by the sleeve of his jacket.

They didn't escape quickly enough, though. "Arthur, what _are_ you looking at?" Morgana followed his eye line. "Friends of yours?" She asked brightly, far too loudly for Arthur's comfort. Merlin was still looking at them.

"Not exactly." Arthur mumbled, trying to shrink into his seat and disappear. Not only had he trespassed on Merlin's date, but he'd done so at a kids' film, with his _sister._

He wasn't sure if Merlin heard him or not, but it was a good bet he did from the way he frowned and tugged harder. Arthur hurried to qualify. "I know the one bloke, from the firm, but not the other."

Morgana beamed. "Well come on, be polite. Let's go say hi!"

Then to his mortification she was skipping over to the pair with Arthur in tow. "Hello! I'm Morgana. I'm with this lug-about. He says you work together at the publishing house?" She looked expectantly between the two, not sure of course which one she was talking about. Arthur did his best to will himself invisible.

Merlin's date was the definition of tall, dark, and handsome, with tanned skin, lush brown hair and a face that would give Gwaine a run for his money in the rugged looks department.

Realizing Merlin wasn't going to say anything at the moment, Mr. Handsome spoke up. "That must be Merlin here. He's an author, you know. Writer of _The Dragonlord._ My name's Lance. I'm just the sad sap who gets to date him."

"_Lance,_" Merlin squeaked, turning shades Arthur didn't know were possible. He was refusing to look at Arthur now. That was fine with him, because he didn't want to know what Merlin would be able to read in his eyes.

"Come on, Morgana," Arthur managed finally. "Sorry, we'll leave you to your... Sorry for bothering you. I'll see you later, Merlin."

And then Arthur was the one hauling as he forced Morgana out of the cinema. It took him the better part of the trip back to his flat to remember how to breathe right. It wasn't so much the seeing Merlin on a date with a man, but the fact that Merlin hadn't told him, about the date or the _man_.

The next time they see each other they pointedly don't talk about it, and Arthur never explains that to Merlin.

* * *

A few days after pub night Merlin shows up at his door instead of calling. It's a week night, and Arthur would typically be going to bed in an hour, but he finds himself letting Merlin in and popping in a DVD instead without mentioning it.

Merlin is quiet throughout the film, sipping at his beer. Arthur handles the chatter, informing him that Gwaine was over the night after the pub crowing over his victory with Elena, and bragging about the dates they had planned for the week.

"He seemed really excited for a steady girlfriend, which is weird for Gwaine. Guess you were right about her bit of an engagement. They broke it off a month ago."

Merlin shrugs. "I haven't talked to her in a while."

"Gwaine says that he loves a working woman, so she's got nothing to fear from him. Also, she saw you the other night and was going to come over, but she got caught up talking to Gwaine. Since when did you move into a new flat?"

Another shrug. "A while ago. Needed some space of my own."

It's a bit odd that Merlin didn't tell him, but he lets it go with a frown. They've been distant recently, caught up in their own lives.

When the credits roll Merlin stands to go. Arthur remembers that urge from the other night and hurries to the kitchen.

"Hey, take these with you. Meringue biscuits. Morgana baked them for me, but you look like you could use the fattening up more. I mean, they're just eggs whites so they aren't really that fattening, but there's sugar in them too, so that helps and at least since they're egg _whites _they're a bit healthier for you, right?" He realizes he's babbling, but he can't quite stop himself.

Merlin takes the tin with a quiet thanks and an odd look on his face that Arthur can't place. He takes a moment to inspect him a bit closer, noting the large bags under Merlin's eyes and how much paler his skin looks under the harsh kitchen lights.

"I'll see you later, alright? Try not to move again with telling me, eh? And get some sleep, you're looking a bit peaky there." He attempts to lighten what could be mistaken as more than friendly concern with a joke. "Not that you don't normally look like you've been dragged behind a truck, but I'm afraid your editors might begin to talk, you know?"

Merlin smiles, but Arthur's not sure he's laughing on the inside.

* * *

Their first fight was over something stupid, as all fights are.

Merlin came into his office hands wringing. It was obvious from the way he paced the small room that he'd spent a lot of time thinking about what he was going to say and then convincing himself to come say it. He tugged at his collar a few times and opened his mouth for a few false starts before Arthur took pity on him.

"Oh for heaven's sake, out with it, Merlin."

He cleared his throat. "I was just wondering... I was thinking... could you possibly..." Arthur rolled his eyes and was about to snap again when Merlin muttered, "I need an advance on my next book."

Arthur raised an eyebrow. "An advance? What for?"

Merlin stared at the ground. "It's just, my last check went to my mother, and it's been a while, and Cenred's cut me off at the shop, and -"

"Merlin. Breathe. Just tell me."

"I'm behind on my rent," he huffed out miserably.

"Why didn't you tell me, idiot? You know I'd lend you the money." He would. He'd give him rent for a year if Merlin asked. Merlin should have known this.

Merlin coloured a bit. "I don't want a loan. I just wondered if I could have an advance on my pay for my next book."

"The one you've been working on for nearly a year and a half?" It was a low blow, but a valid point. Merlin had been writing the sequel to his last novel since they met. Since he refused to show it around, Arthur didn't know how much was done, but when asked, Merlin just said he needed more time for the inspiration to strike.

"I'll finish it. I will," he mumbles to the carpet.

"Merlin, just let me loan you the money. It's not a big deal; you know I'm good for it."

Which was apparently the wrong thing to say. "What, so everyone can know I'm just your little charity case? I can take care of myself, you prat."

"I know you can," Arthur placated, "I didn't mean it like that–"

"You keep saying loan, but we both know you mean give. Because poor Merlin can't manage if he has to pay it back, can he?"

That was true, Arthur wouldn't ever ask for a dime. But not because of any slight towards Merlin. Wasn't that just what friends did?

"You can keep your pity change. I've got an offer to move in with someone anyway. Someone who doesn't feel the need to flash their wallet to solve every problem."

Arthur did his best to ignore the jolt that that person was probably Lance. An offer to move in with him instead probably wasn't his best bet right now anyway. Later –much, much too later for Arthur's liking– Merlin apologized for losing his temper and told him about the place he was sharing with his old friend from primary school, _Gwen_.

Neither of them ever brought up the wad of bills that were slipped into Merlin's jacket.

* * *

Two weeks later Merlin's back again. He'd been calling every few days, though usually it's only Arthur who talks during their phone conversations now. Merlin's missed his deadline for the second time now. Arthur'd had to institute one to appease the editors who were hounding him about a copy. They called just yesterday to say they were dropping him. Arthur hasn't had the heart to tell Merlin yet.

So with that in mind Arthur steps back from the doorway to let Merlin in. If possible Merlin looks even more haggard now. He swears he ate the meringue biscuits and to give Morgana his compliments, but Arthur has to wonder if he's eaten anything else _but_ that since they last saw each other.

To appease his own worries, Arthur suggests takeaway, even though it's nearly ten and he has work in the morning. Merlin doesn't say anything against it, so Arthur orders them a double helping of Chinese, making sure he gets all of Merlin's favourites.

Merlin goes and sits on the couch, not flicking it on and searching the channels or picking out a film like he might have a few months ago. He just sits, staring at something only he can see.

Arthur wants to ask what's wrong, but he's worried Merlin will get angry and bolt, claiming Arthur's trying to solve all his problems again. Which he is, because he doesn't like to see Merlin like this, doesn't like that his friend can be sat right next to him but still so far away.

He's not quite sure what he can do to solve the problems, though, since he doesn't know what they are. That hurts even worse. But Merlin's here, and even if Arthur's not sure what to say to make it better, he can only hope his presence is enough.

So instead Arthur puts in a film of his own choice, one he knows Merlin likes, and when the food is cold but mostly untouched and the main title sequence is repeating on the screen, Arthur suggests that Merlin stay the night in the spare room, because he's slightly afraid to let him out of his sight.

ooOOoo

Merlin's still there when Arthur gets home from work, but he already expected it because he called Merlin twice that day to check in on him.

He's still not speaking much except when Arthur asks a direct question, but a bit more of the Chinese is missing from the refrigerator and he finishes one if the cheese toasties Arthur manages not to burn out of nerves. After they eat he goes and sits in the couch and looks at Arthur not with expectation but with something else Arthur can't quite identify. They go through their film routine, but this time he doesn't even try to fill in the silence.

Merlin goes to sleep in the guest room again, and Arthur doesn't sleep at all.

The next day passes, and Merlin doesn't leave. Arthur is texting him almost constantly. Part of him wants to go home, he knows he's near useless right now, but he doesn't. He needs normal, and even if this isn't normal he'll take what he can.

He texts Merlin that Morgana's coming into town tomorrow and why don't they go out to the pub. Merlin doesn't reply for the longest time, Arthur finds himself holding his breath.

It's only when the "_maybe_" pops up on the tiny screen of his phone and he heaves it out again that it hits him like a ton of bricks.

He was afraid Merlin wouldn't answer.

He was afraid what not answering could mean.

Arthur leaps out of his chair and grabs his coat, barely bothering to stop and tell his secretary he's leaving for the day. He fidgets on the tube, growling at other passengers who get in his way to get on and off the carriage. He runs from the underground to the flat and doesn't stop until he reaches the door.

"Merlin?" he shouts as soon as he's inside. There's no answer and he feels his panic growing. "Merlin?"

"In here," comes the reply finally. Arthur dashes to the spare room. Merlin is cuddled under the blankets, lifting his head briefly to mutter, "I was trying to sleep, you prat. Not been easy with you jabbering all day."

Arthur barely acknowledges he's apologizing he's so glad to hear that voice. Merlin's fine. He was overreacting. Nothing happened. Nothing was going to happen.

He takes Merlin out to celebrate nothing and provide an excuse for his early return. It's really a waste of food from the amount left on Merlin's plate, but his friend talks more than he has in days, so Arthur counts it as a win. He can see that Merlin is steadily wilting, though, so they get dessert to go.

Instead of a film Arthur announces that he's going to turn in early. The late nights have clearly taken their toll on him. He invites Merlin to make himself at home. Not that he hasn't already. It's clear he hasn't once stepped out of the flat from the fact that he's been wearing Arthur's clothes.

"Really, you can do whatever. Watch telly, bake a pie, take a shower. Won't bother me any."

Merlin smiles, and it's a real smile that fills Arthur with more happiness than he can contain, and he can't help but grin back. "Thank you, Arthur. Thank you for everything." He pauses, but the smile stays, so Arthur is perfectly content to just stand there and look at him. "Do you mind if I'm not there tomorrow with you and Morgana?"

He pouts, a little pinprick in his bubble. "Are you sure? Morgana's been asking after you. She'd like to spend time with you after ages of hearing me talk about you."

For a moment he worries that he's gone too far, that he revealed too much, but Merlin's grin grows brighter, and he can't bring himself to care. "I'm sure." He heads towards the guest bathroom –Arthur's glad; showers are a good, productive activity– and stops to look back at him before closing the door. "I'm serious, Arthur. Thank you."

ooOOoo

It's only ten minutes later when he still doesn't hear water running that Arthur starts to worry.

_He could be shaving first. He **was **getting a bit stubbly. Or perhaps he can't find the soap and is too polite to ask knowing I'm sleeping._

Yet Merlin's been over here so many times and stolen so much soap that he knows that's not the case. And he doesn't keep spare razors in the guest bathroom.

With a grunt Arthur levers himself out of bed. He'll just ask. No point lying here driving himself mad with maybes. He pads into the guest bedroom and knocks on the door.

"Merlin? Everything all right in there?" There's no response, and he doesn't hear movement. "Merlin? What, did you manage to drown yourself without even turning on the water?" The tease falls flat, and he can feel his heartbeat grow quicker and heavier. "Merlin, I mean it. Say something right now or I'm coming in there." And heaven help him if he's naked.

After a silent count to three, Arthur opens the door. And promptly fights the urge to vomit. Merlin is there, slumped on the floor, blood not trickling but gushing from gashes on his wrist. Arthur's Swiss army knife lies fallen next to him, and Arthur knows he'll never be able to use it again.

With stuttered motions he lurches to the shelf and grabs a towel. He wraps it around Merlin's wrist and squeezes, trying not just to staunch the flow but to somehow cleave Merlin to him, make it impossible for him to leave. His eyes search desperately, and he nearly sobs when he sees the faint rise and fall of Merlin's chest. He sobs anyway, is wailing and nearly unintelligible when he uses Merlin's discarded phone to call 999.

"Please, Merlin. Please. Don't do this. You can't leave me like this!"

But Merlin has never listened to Arthur before, and he's not listening now.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: By popular request, I have written two more chapters. Danke to everyone who reviewed the first one and spurred me to continue. This has probably been one of my most difficult pieces as I try to word things in the way that speaks best. If you see anything that offends or needs to be fixed, please let me know, either in comments or privately in a PM if you're more comfortable with that.**

* * *

It was one year, two months, and fourteen days before Arthur realized he was in love with Merlin. Sure, he'd noticed the odd flipping of his guts whenever Merlin looked at him with that dopey smile, the burning under his skin when he'd seen Merlin on a date with someone else, the way he wished he was with him again minutes after they separated.

Okay, maybe he'd noticed a long time ago, but it wasn't like he could ever admit it. Merlin would laugh, and Arthur would be crushed, and he just wouldn't be able to handle Merlin never smiling at him the same.

* * *

Arthur sat in the waiting room with his head in his hands. They'd let him come in the ambulance. He'd been too distraught to drive and too hysterical to allow them to leave him behind. But they weren't letting him in, either. He was left to wait, alone and broken.

His brain was swirling with a myriad thoughts, but if pressed he couldn't've said what any of them were. The only thing that was clear was _Merlin_, but even anything associated with him turned into a cloudy void if probed too closely.

They weren't telling him anything. Arthur wasn't family. Merlin didn't really _have_ family, though. His father had been killed during a home invasion gone wrong -but when were those ever right?- and he was close to his mother but only in spirit. The reality was she was days away, living in France, far too far when Merlin could only have hours, minutes, seconds, _God_...

They'd offered him a sedative when he first arrived, as he bellowed and threatened to sue the lot of them if they tried to take him from Merlin's side. He didn't take it –medicine was for the weak.

He should have taken it.

He couldn't do this. Not by himself. Arthur brought up Merlin's mobile, still clutched bloody in his hand, and thumbed through the contacts. He should call someone. The hospital would have already called Hunith, but he should speak to her himself, shouldn't he? And tell her what, how he failed her son, let him take his own life under his watch?

Lance would probably want to know. Were they still together? He wasn't in Merlin's contacts, but then neither was Gwaine nor Leon. Arthur was there, Hunith, a bloke called Will. No one else. No Gwen, no Elena. Not even his editors.

But none of those people would be any help even if Arthur could get a hold of them. Maybe they'd be good for Merlin, but Merlin wasn't available right now. So selfish as it was, right now Arthur needed someone for himself.

Normally that would be Merlin.

He'd have to settle for the next best thing. Luckily he knew his sister's number by heart. He wasn't sure he could put Merlin's mobile down. It was like it was tethering them together, the only bit of Merlin he had right now.

"Listen, I don't know who you think you are, but I don't really care if you're announcing the Second Coming. It's eleven o'clock at night. I'm going back to sleep, and you can Rapture me in the morning."

Arthur opened his mouth, but he couldn't get anything to come out.

"Is this some kind of prank call? Let me tell you, you picked the wrong person to challenge. I'll report this number straight to the authorities, just see if I won't."

Arthur released a shaky breath. Took in another one. Tried to speak again.

"Hello?" Morgana's voice was gentler now. "Are you all right? Can you talk to me or are you in a situation where it's not safe? If that's the case, please just tap a button, and I'll call the police to track you down."

Her concern nearly broke him, and he let out a pitiful whine.

"Okay, it's okay, you're safe now. Stay on the line; I'm going to get you help. I'm right here, it's all right."

He finally found his voice, though he hardly recognized it as his own. "Gana?"

"Arthur? Arthur, is that you? What's wrong? It's okay, sweetie, I'm here."

"Gana... I need you."

He need say no more. Morgana promised she would be there within the hour -she lived nearly two hours away, but he didn't doubt her- and offered again to stay on the line with him until she arrived.

Arthur declined. He didn't need her words. He needed her presence.

While he was waiting, he thumbed through Merlin's mobile for clues. There had to be some. There had to be. Nobody just up and… did _that_ without some kind of warning.

**Sent calls**: Only the recent ones to Arthur. Then one to his mum the morning before he practically moved into Arthur's apartment.

**Missed calls:** Dozens, some from his mum, a bunch from a variety of uncatalogued numbers, and more than Arthur made in an entire month from Will.

**Received calls:** None.

There were the texts between them from the office. The only ones it seemed Merlin actually responded to. Arthur wondered if he'd even read the others.

**From: Will**

22/8

_over with el screwed up need u lets get pissed_

22/8

_damn el dont need her neway_

28/8

_fine dont need u either wanker_

28/9

_m ur mum just called me pick up now_

28/9

_she sounded worried u need to call her back_

29/9

_answer or im coming over there_

29/9

_y arent u gwens u nvr said u moved_

29/9

_this isnt funny m where r u_

30/9

_answer ur damn phone m im not kiddin_

**From: 07700 900128**

22/8

_M dear I need 2 talk 2 u. broke it off w/Will. know u love him but I cant do it nemore. call me back? not askin u 2 pick sides just need 2 talk 2 some1 :(((_

24/8

_is it Will? i dont blame u 4 pickin him. i would pick him 2 if he werent so stubborn_

20/9

_saw u other night. meant 2 say hi but u left. can we get 2gether soon?_

28/9

_M dear plz call me back or Will. worried bout u. :(_

**From: 07700 900683**

18/7

_Merlin im so so sorry please come home please forgive me_

21/8

_Was the idea of dinner too uncomfortable? I didnt mean to push you so soon. I understand why you moved out but please we can work this out right I dont want to lose you_

30/8

_I cant do it. I cant stay with him knowing youre hurting. I never should have tried. cant we stay friends please? please call me back sweetie! I miss you xx_

**From: 07700 900319**

18/7

_I'm so sorry, Merlin. This is my fault. I initiated it. Don't blame Gwen, please. We never wanted to hurt you. –Lance_

20/8

_Do you want me to stay away tonight? Gwen really wants to see you. I'll leave if it makes you uncomfortable to see us together. -Lance_

21/8

_Merlin, please don't do this. Gwen misses you. I understand if you never want to speak to me again, but can you please talk to her at least? –Lance_

Arthur was a blind fool. It was obvious Merlin's world had been falling in from all sides for a long time now, and Arthur hadn't done a damn thing to stop it. He buried his head again. He was a crap friend. He didn't even deserve Merlin. How had he not noticed? How?

He'd never met Will or Elena. Never been invited over to Gwen's. Never even heard the suggestion that Arthur double-date with him and Lance.

He dialled Will. It felt like the right thing to do. His was the only other number in the phone besides Arthur's and Hunith's Merlin had kept. Yet Merlin didn't seem to be talking to him any more than the rest if the increasingly frantic messages were anything to go by.

"_Merlin!_ Mate, _where have you been_? Scratch that, where are you _now_? I swear on my father's grave if you don't give me a location this instant I will call the police and have you hunted down. I'll tell them to use deadly force, too. Actually, I won't, because _I'm_ the one who's going to shoot you for doing this to me."

"New Memorial."

A long pause. Then irately, "Wai- what? You're not Merlin. Where's Merlin? How did you get his phone? Put him on right now."

"I can't. Merlin is at New Memorial Hospital. In the A&E."

There was the sound of something thudding, fabric rustling, keys jangling. "What happened? I'm on my way. What's wrong with him? Who are you?"

"I don't know what's wrong." He honestly didn't, not really. He tried to make the next answer come out, but he couldn't. If he didn't say it, it didn't really happen. "It's bad," was all he could manage. "Really bad. He needs you."

"I'm coming. I'm practically there already. Tell him I'm coming. And tell the doctors, I'm his proxy. They can't do anything without my say-so, and I don't care what his chart says, he does _not_ have a DNAR. He's allergic to tomatoes and penicillin. He takes citalopram, 40mg every day. And if that wanker thinks he's gonna disappear on me again, I'll kill him myself, you got that? Tell him that from me."

Dead air followed, and Arthur knew Will had hung up. He checked the clock on the wall. An hour. Somehow it had only been an hour since the bottom dropped out of his world. Not enough time for Morgana to arrive and not enough time for Arthur to have any more control of his mind or actions than before. Before he'd been filled with righteous anger at the hospital that held Merlin's life in their hands. Now he just felt numb.

He should tell the nurses about Will's information on Merlin. Information Arthur had had no idea about. He knew about the allergies, but not the medication. He didn't even know what Merlin was on medication for. He didn't know about the DNAR, or the proxy.

He'd thought he knew everything about Merlin. Now Arthur wondered if he really knew him at all.

"Arthur!"

Morgana came flying towards him, enveloping him in a hug even while he still sat. "What happened, sweetie? Who is it? What's wrong?"

Arthur blinked dazedly at her as she pulled back to give him a searching look over. "How did you…?" An hour, just as she said.

She brushed the half-question aside. "Alvarr brought me. _What happened_, Arthur?"

Arthur slumped even further. For Morgana to be willing to contact her ex for him showed just how terrified he'd made her with his phone call. He ought to feel guilty about it, but he couldn't. Instead he just pulled her closer again and hugged her tight. He needed his big sister, and he didn't care who knew it.

"_Merlin!_" A stocky man with dishevelled brown hair burst through the doors. He wore red and white checked pyjama bottoms and the laces of his trainers were untied. His face was an utter panic. "Merlin Emrys," he demanded of the nearest nurse. "Where is he? I'm his medical proxy, you have to let me see him, _where is he?_"

"Mr. William Vaughan? The doctor has instructed me to take you back to his office when you arrived. He needs to speak with you."

Arthur's heart dropped. _No…_

Morgana looked up in horror at the discovery of the source of the problem. She grasped Arthur's hand and turned to face Will. "May we come as well? Merlin is our friend."

Will studied them for a moment, confused, but his eyes hit on Arthur, who still stared at the ground in a state of shock. "Were you the one who called me?"

"Yes, he was. Arthur was with him." He didn't know how she knew that. Didn't care. So long as it got him through those doors.

"Come on then."

Arthur let himself be led through the hallways. He kept glancing into rooms and behind curtains as much as he could, praying he'd find a healthy and _alive_ Merlin behind one of them. He had no such luck. The nurse took them to a small office and left them to wait.

Will turned on him immediately. "What happened to Merlin?"

Arthur shuddered. Morgana squeezed him tight, as if by sheer force she could hold him together. "It's okay, pup. You can do this. Just start from the beginning."

Arthur didn't know where the beginning was. And that was what filled him with the most shame. If he had… Better to start from the end. That was all he was clear on right now. "He… in the bathroom… it was too quiet… there was _so_ _much_ _blood_…"

He was sure it didn't make any sense, but somehow Will knew exactly what he was getting at. He dropped to a chair.

"Oh, pup," Morgana breathed the childhood epitaph into his ear, her own voice stolen by grief. "I'm so sorry."

"He was supposed to be better," Will muttered, almost to himself. "He _promised_ things were better."

"I didn't… something happened. I think his boyfriend cheated on him. And he was caught in between you and Elena. And he lost his home because I think it was Gwen Lance cheated with. And he lost his editors because he was behind on his book. And the publishing house wanted me to drop him, too, but I couldn't tell him that. And he couldn't afford a flat by himself. And he told me once he wanted his mum to be proud of him. And–"

"Arthur." Morgana took him by the shoulders and gave him a shake that was just this side of harsh. "If you try to unravel a cause like this, you'll just end up driving yourself mad, because you're not going to find one."

"I should have known it was happening. I'm his..." but he wasn't, no matter what he might have wished. And now the chance was gone. "I should have _known_."

"You can_not_ blame yourself. This is _not _your fault."

"But I _saw _him, Gana," he protested. "He was right there in front of me, and I _knew_ something was wrong, and I did _nothing._"

"Did Merlin ever tell you something was wrong? Did he ask for your help or advice? Did he say, 'Arthur, I'm depressed, and I'm thinking about killing myself?'" The blunt words cut into him. "Sweetie, you told me yourself over the phone: Merlin hardly left your side for the last few days. I think yes, he was trying to get silent support even if he couldn't come right out and ask for it. But if he really meant to do this, he was going to do it. If you'd known that was why he was there, that this was going to happen, sure, maybe you could have done something. But that's all past now. There is no point in blaming yourself for what's done. You know _now_, Arthur. Help him _now._"

"I knew," Will admitted. Arthur whipped his head up sharply to stare at the young man. "Maybe not really, not this time, but before… When we were younger, after his dad… he had problems. Stopped eating, stopped applying to universities. Said he just didn't feel like it mattered anymore. Hunith had to do it for him, but he wasn't participating even at his current level of school. Just didn't care."

Will's eyes had a glazed look, either from tears or ghosts of the past. "I asked him once… if he'd thought about… He said no. He said that would be ending the pain. He didn't need to do that because there _was_ no pain. His entire life was falling apart, but he just felt… nothing. He only wanted to feel something again."

A knock on the door interrupted any thoughts Arthur's scrambled brain might have come up with on that. The doctor stepped in, chart in hand and a sombre expression on his face. A young woman in casual business wear followed.

"Hello. I'm Dr Gilli. This is Dr Gedref, who works closely in conjunction with our hospital."

The woman smiled warmly. "You can call me Mithian."

"Is this is the family of Merlin Emrys?"

"I'm his best friend and medical proxy. Where is he? I want to see him." Arthur could understand Will's desires even as at the same time he couldn't. He _craved_ the sight of Merlin, but he wasn't sure he could handle yet what he saw.

"We can take you to him in a moment. But first there are a few things we need to discuss."

"Is he alright at least?" Morgana demanded. "No one's said. The least you could do is prepare us."

"That is what I am attempting to do now, Ms…?"

"Le Fay. Morgana."

"Physically, I can assure you that Mr Emrys is going to be fine. We've stitched the deepest of his wounds and given him a transfusion. He's still slightly weak from blood loss, but he's going to make it."

Arthur sagged. Merlin was _alive_. He didn't care what else the doctor had to say, that was all he needed to hear.

"However, mentally there some deep concerns. I understand he's been on anti-depressants?"

Will nodded. "For about six years now. He said they helped. He was feeling better."

"I'm afraid that is the nature of depression. One day the patient may be feeling fine, the next they don't, often times with no little to no warning. Was he ever in any type of cognitive therapy?"

"No, he refused. Said he wasn't letting his mum waste the money so that he could go talk about his feelings." Will gave a tiny snort. "Merlin told me if he got that desperate, he'd go buy a diary."

Mithian stepped forward now. "I'd like to take Merlin on as a patient at my clinic. It's a full-time residential facility, especially for those who struggle with depressive disorders."

"But, but what about us? Wouldn't Merlin be better off with people who care about him? That's what loved ones are there for, after all, to lean on." Arthur wasn't about to make that mistake again. He was _never_ going to abandon Merlin ever again.

"You're free to visit, of course, as often as you would like. But the point of the therapy that we provide is to give Merlin the building blocks to fight this himself. The power of love may work in the fairy tales, but say he does lean on your care for him. What happens to him if you were suddenly taken away from him? What would he do then? Your support is important, critical even, but we have to make sure that when push comes to shove, Merlin can stand on his own."

Arthur wanted to protest again. He'd failed Merlin once already by not seeing that he was struggling. How could he help him if he wasn't there beside him?

_"Merlin hardly left your side for days." _He sighed in defeat. Morgana was right. Mithian was right. Arthur had tried the simple method of providing his presence. He'd been right there for Merlin to talk to if he wanted. Hell, he'd been barely two metres away as Merlin slashed open his own arms…

"What if he won't go? Will just said, he turned it down last time."

Mithian turned to the young man in question. "That's why we needed to speak to you. If Merlin refuses to go, we need you to sign the papers allowing us to take him in anyway."

"You want to have him _committed_?" Will yelled in outrage.

"Currently I'm afraid he is a danger to himself. Particularly with his history, we can't assume this is going to be an isolated incident. His apparent poor dietary habits indicate that he has and may continue to mistreat himself even if he never makes another attempt on his life. I promise, he'll be well taken of. I will oversee his therapy personally. And as I said, you can come and see him whenever you wish."

Committed. She could sugar-coat it as much as she liked, but that was what it was coming down to. They could send him away to be locked up or… or they could let him come home and watch him destroy himself.

It wasn't really a choice when it was put like that.

"Can we ask him first at least? Before we just toss him to the sharks?" Will snapped.

"Of course. Take all the time you need. Treatment will go smoother for him if this is something he wants for himself, not something he feels forced to do. But just… go easy on him. Depression is an illness. He doesn't want to feel this way. He doesn't want to hurt you. None of this is his fault, nor is it yours. Fault has nothing to do with it."

Arthur wanted to believe that, but he couldn't stop seeing every opportunity he'd ever had to ask what was wrong. To press for answers.

"And you should be warned that this is something he may continue to struggle with for years to come. This isn't the flu. There is no clear cut treatment that heals everything in a week."

"So you're saying you can't help him?"

"I'm saying I'm going to try. I'm sure Merlin is going to try too. But this is an uphill battle through rocky terrain, sometimes up sheer cliffs. And sometimes, despite all our best intentions, everyone falls down now and again. It's our job to help him want to get back up."

* * *

**A/N: I know a lot of people wanted a happy ending, but I just wasn't sure that was feasible if I wanted to keep this as close to realistic as possible. Instead I opted for a slightly more hopeful ending, with Merlin surviving his attempt.**


End file.
